How to get a passport–abridged edition

Here’s the shortened, bulleted version of the process I had to go through to get my passport renewed and updated with my married name (I got my last one when I was 16 and still a Lambeth):

• Spend TWO MONTHS trying to obtain a certified copy of marriage license in order to verify legal name change (I won’t go into all the frustrating details here.  Trying to keep my blood pressure at reasonable levels.)
• Receive aforementioned marriage license 3 weeks before departure date (we’re going on a cruise to Cozumel.  yay!).
• Realize that even paying for expedited service only guarantees that you receive your passport within 3 weeks.
• Say “crap.”
• Find out that you have to be within 14 days of traveling in order to obtain a passport in person at the New Orleans regional passport facility.
• Say “crap” again.
• Wait a week.
• Call passport appointment line to schedule an appointment to get a passport.
• Spend 30 minutes listening to an annoyingly happy sounding recorded voice say ” If you’d like to blah, blah, blah, please press 1.  If you’re calling to blah blah blah, please press 2.  I’m sorry, I did not understand your entry.  If you’d like to blah….”
• Scream at the recorded voice on the automated appointment line.
• Finally get appointment scheduled for the next morning at 10:30.
• Spend 30 minutes the night before making sure you have all necessary paperwork and documentation so that your appointment will go smoothly.
• Show up 15 minutes early for appointment (go you!)
• Realize that you forgot your appointment confirmation number.
• Think “crap.” (don’t want to offend anybody–it is your fault after all.)
• Beg for mercy from the surprisingly nice and understanding government employee.
• Receive said mercy and provide SS# instead.
• Realize that you forgot documented proof that you will be traveling in 14 days or less.
• Think of words slightly stronger than “crap.”
• Beg for mercy again, this time to no avail.
• Begin process of trying to find someone to fax documentation to the nice government lady.
• Call husband.  No answer.  He’s in class.
• Call mom.  Answers, but has no internet access to print documentation.
• Call brother.  No answer.  He texts back that he’s in class.  (What’s with all these people actually going to class!)
• Call sister-in-law.  Also no internet access.
• Call best friend A.  On the road–no internet.
• Call best friend B.  At work and cannot access Facebook (booking information and number to login with is in a Facebook message).
• Text sister-in-law again to see if she knows the booking number.  Brother-in-law is hooking up computer to get online and look (they just moved to a new house).
• Text husband to ask for help.
• Husband leaves class and goes to computer lab, but also cannot access facebook.
• Sister-in-law calls back with booking number.
• Call husband to give him booking number.  Husband logs in to account with carnival and pulls up the required document to print it.
• Computer lab printer won’t work.  Geez…
• Call another friend (and former co-worker).  Rapidly explain situation.
• Have husband save document as a pdf and email to friend.
• Friend prints it and faxes it.
• Check with nice government employee lady to see if she got the fax.
• See that fax was received but is far too faint to read.
• Call friend back.  Ask her to run the paper through the copier to darken it and fax it again.  Offer excessive apologies and thanks for her continued help.
• Check with nice government employee lady again.  Second fax will suffice.
• Finally, wait in line to have all documents processed.
• Pay exorbitant amount of money.
• Show up the next day to pick up passport.
• Done.

Easy, huh?  And that’s not even including all the heck I had to go through (and give to people) in order to get a copy of my marriage license.  At least this thing is good for the next 10 years…